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Unspeakable Deeds

September 17, 2012

Games give us objectives, and what do we do? We complete the objectives.

But do we ever really understand the chaos and destruction we bring upon our gaming worlds? We are mere puppets to these objectives, blindly following orders like a sub-intelligent chimp with a hand axe. Listed here are some of the most morally reprehensible acts I can think of. You just have to step back and have a look at it from a certain point of view.

Final Fantasy XIII-2 – Destroying the boss flan

Okay, Lightning’s sister Serah, 3 years after the events of Final Fantasy XIII, gets a visit from this fopped hairstyle Justin Bieber character known as Noel who is from the motherfudging future and everything. Serah sets out with Noel to save her sister Lightning, who has dropped out of the timeline. Everyone thinks Serah is a little cuckoo rabbiting on about how Lightning disappeared, so just like good old Dr. Who, Serah and Noel set off on a marvellous adventure through time!

There are a lot of problems with Final Fantasy XIII-2, but don’t get me wrong; I enjoyed it. Hell, it has some f**ked up BS time travel and stuff, though. The point of this article is centred on morally reprehensible acts, and what is more morally reprehensible then fudging up an entire timeline? How about attacking some innocent wildlife?

Yeah, that’s right! Final Fantasy has you fight innocent wildfire.  The Royal Ripeness, as the creature is known, is an ugly thing. That’s not a reason to attack something. Otherwise, Sarah Jessica Parker would never get down a street without getting a few punches to the back of the head.

My point is that you just appear into this creature’s timeline, decide it’s the enemy just because Serah’s floppy haired finance is about to be crushed. Why do Serah and Noel jump to Snow’s defense? First of all, he’s a douchebag, but they have no idea why the Royal Ripeness is attacking him.

Let’s look at this objectively. Snow is messing about in the Royal Ripeness’s terrority.  Would you get into the same cage as a tiger? NO! So why should Serah and Noel fight for Snow? He’s obviously so dumb he would stride into a dangerous flan invested hovel, so why should we defend him? I’m all for letting the idiots getting cut from the evolutionary chain.

Okay, saving a friend is fine, but why fight the poor thing? If your friend was trapped in a violent gorilla’s  enclosure you wouldn’t start a fist fight with it, would you? You would grab your friend and get the f**k out of there.

Serah, Noel and Snow all decide on the spot that Snow is somehow in the right. He obviously angered it, I mean, we don’t know the story. Maybe Snow touched up its children. Noel and Serah could be jumping to conclusions and actually saving the monster while trying to kill an innocent bright orange monster.

They are all horrible people!

Pretty Much Every Assassin’s Creed Game

Could you imagine the horror of looking the guard rota one night and seeing you are penned as rooftop patrol?

The estimated life-span of a Venice rooftop patrolman must be less than three minutes, because as Ezio, the legendary assassin, you cut through millions of them. Now of course, you could just wander past them or circumnavigate around the buildings to avoid them, but in many cases they are just a freaking nuisance. You are stealthily following your target from above. You, the eagle of death. Them, the ignorant unknowing fool who doesn’t realise that death is soon upon them. Suddenly you cover is blown by an rooftop guard.

Now it’s time for a quick decision. Do as the guard says and vacate the roof, slowly and methodically lower yourself to ground level, juggling the camera to make sure you won’t be spotted and making sure you aren’t going to misjudge your path and drop too soon, or you can simply throw a knife in the guard’s throat for his disrespect. You own these rooftops and he is the one in the way.

So yeah, near 100% of time, you knife the bugger. But then, just after the sweet satisfaction of seeing the guard hold his gut in disbelief, a knife protruding from his belly, he topples over and down into the street.

The rooftop guards are trolls. You lose if you don’t kill them, but you look like an idiotic drunk for hire, dancing around on rooftops rather than the efficient, deadly master assassin you are meant to be.

Although it is bloody good fun!

Pretty Much Every Call of Duty: Modern Warfare Game

Notice how the series seem to spiral more out and out of control the more you shoot people? Therein lies the answer.  You, the player, had a hand in starting World War 3! You jackass! You can solve problems with words, not bullets. Every single bullet you fire is a selfish path towards self-destruction. One UAV = WW3. Your choice. Go on, fire that gun! You are a stooge, doing what the MAN says.

Red Dead Redemption – Killing Welsh and French for Irish!

Red Dead Redemption is a fantastic game, a great adventure set against the backdrop of the waning Wild West. It’s filled to the brim with both morally upright citizens, but also painted with the dark colours of many anti-heroes, morally ambiguous members of the ‘civilized’ world who are as downtrodden and as faulted as their lessers. Some are just downright bottom-of-the-barrel dregs of humanity. This is how I would describe Irish and his gang of friends!

Okay, first of all, when I realised a Welshman was in the game, I was actually excited. I think only Welsh and Merrill from Dragon Age 2 are the only gaming characters who are really welsh. Well I mean, Merrill is not really a Welsh person, she is like some elf or whatever, but I was really excited.

I was annoyed that the game pitted me against my own kin, but I decided I would shoot French, then disarm Welsh and let him go. But no, the game refuses that! I shot Welsh in the hand and he falls over dead! Why couldn’t it go to a draw when you can actually spare a person’s life if you disarm them?

So I restarted and tried again, and this time I lassoed Welsh and shot French, but I couldn’t continue until Welsh was dead, so weeping and sobbing, eating through the pain of it with a welsh cake, while draped in the Red Dragon and singing ‘Bread of Heaven’, I slowly controlled John Marston to bring his knife across Welsh’s throat.

All I want to do now is kill Irish and he actually deserves it. He hinders John Marston more than Welsh ever did. Welsh had a reasonable argument with Irish, properly. Then Marston comes storming in and saves the lowly Irish sod from what is most likely a well-deserved deed and Marston then takes all of Irish’s bullshit without so much as giving me the choice to at least maim Irish!

WHAT THE HELL!?

Image Link : IGN

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